Hello everyone. I’ve finally put an end to my long hiatus. Everyday, I used to think, “Today, I’ll write my blog.” But I could never bring myself to my laptop. A lot has happened since then that I want to share.
I started my sophomore year in college. A new classroom, new people, it was rough. The worst part was that the people whom I had known, turned their back at me. For me, making new friends became a means of survival. I’m not a neophyte when it comes to making friends. But it was so hard. Everyone else had known each other for a year. What about me? Whatever I had known was gone.
Labs are a great place to meet new people. You have to work together, so you are bound to become friends. So yes, I made 3 new friends. But that wasn’t the end of my troubles this semester.
People in my class had brought their A-game when it came to academics. I finished quite strong at the end of 2 semesters. So people did know who I was. But this time around, I fell short. I couldn’t do as well as I wanted too.
I stayed with the girls most of the time in class. During break time, I joined my old friends for lunch. The girls are great, but they did something I didn’t like.
It’s pretty common to pair your friends up with someone, right? We used to do that too. But I never knew how awkward it would be when it was with a close friend. What made it worse was that they weren’t the only one who did this. Everyone, including some of my old friends did. It became frequent and a little serious. It almost felt like they were trying to set me up with that person. It really started to annoy me after a point. I’ve never told anyone why it did. But I won’t keep it in anymore.
A few years back, I read a book, Brida by Paulo Coelho. It talked about soulmates. Somehow, it stuck in my head. Was it that day, I don’t know. Am I crazy, I don’t know. But ever since then, finding my true love became my ultimate desire. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world, but it’s so rare. Not everyone finds it. But I desperately want to find him one day. And every time I was paired up, it felt like I was cheating on him. It felt so wrong. What was the result? That person and I are not friends anymore. And it’s not just because of the teasing. Things changed, friends changed and we just grew apart.
I said that I wasn’t a neophyte to making friends. But I am not a neophyte to betrayal either. Then why did I let someone betray me again?
It was my best friend’s birthday. There was a surprise party. Everyone was invited, except me. Inviting was far-fetched. I didn’t even know about it, up until my best friend told me how much fun it was, the next day. The people who organised it had known me for over a year. And yet, they chose to invite people who weren’t even part of your group. When I asked them why they didn’t invite me, do you know what they said?
“We had no more place in our car. So, we didn’t invite you.”
“I thought you already knew.”
“You normally don’t come to such things.”
How could they have decided whether I would come or not? In our group, I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like parties. There were two more people. But they got an invite.
Also, they never had to drive me around. I am from the city, so I can drive on my own. Why didn’t they just say that they forgot to tell me? That way, they wouldn’t have been caught lying. They made it so obvious that they didn’t want me there.
So, I disappeared. Froze all contact with them. For three days, there was radio silence. I was so sure that they wouldn’t miss me. They wouldn’t even notice I was gone. All I wanted to do was move on. Forget all about them. Get used to eating alone, not going to college celebrations, not taking part in team events. This has happened to me before. I didn’t handle it well back then. This time, I decided that even though I missed them so much, I won’t cry over them. And I was partly successful. My eyes teared up, but I never broke down into tears.
After 3 days, the phone calls started. From the birthday girl, from two of my other friends. But not from the people who caused this mess. Still, I forgave them. I should have known that such moments don’t last for long. I was a fool to think that everything would go back to normal. But it didn’t. Their behaviour relapsed. The cold gestures, the secret-keeping, everything has come back.
I feel like I am being way too nice to them. That has to end soon. I don’t feel like myself anymore, when I look in the mirror. I need to find myself again, and for that, I need to give up on them. To get my life back in order, and move on from that incident.
I have so much more to tell you. But if I go any longer, you’ll probably get bored. One last thing. From today, I’ll write everyday, without fail. That’s my first step to rediscovering myself.
Saying this, I go from here.